– if you think loving is hard, you’ve never loved
Chapter 1
I am sitting on my balcony with a cup of coffee. I looked down, and I want to jump. I mostly don’t let my intrusive thoughts win, but today… today is a day I really want them to.
My name is Esme. It means LOVE. How ironically funny that is because in my life, I have everything but LOVE. My parents had an arranged marriage, and my father loved another woman. Since the day my mother married that man, she craved for his love, but all she got was his lust. Since the day I was born, I craved my father’s love, but all I got was unbearable pain every time I’d try to find love in his eyes. All I would get was hatred. I could see that in his deep brown eyes. I got his eyes because of genetics, but I never wanted to see the way he sees the world.
“Esme! Esme!” Mila yelled.
Mila – Why aren’t you ready yet? We’re getting late. Listen, I don’t want all the cute boys to leave. I have needs, okay!
Esme – Didn’t you go on a date just yesterday?
Mila – So? Don’t you think I need to go look for my THE ONE!
Esme – chuckled Sure, you should.
(Mila is my roommate. Although she is very sweet, her quest to find the ONE sometimes makes me envy her. How easy it is for her to trust someone and believe in them. I can never believe that someone would love me. My own father never did. Why would someone else love me?)
Mila – snapped her fingers
Esme! We have to leave today. Can you stop thinking and get ready!
Esme – I will, but where are we going? Where can we find your forever?
Mila – My friend has organized a pre-Christmas party, and you’re getting DRESSED! You won’t go there in your hoodie and trousers!
Esme – Oh please! I want to wear my comfy clothes. Also, you are the one who’s on her love quest, and I’m going there for the free food.
Mila – Fine… fine, wear whatever you want. Just go get ready and don’t ditch me like last time.
Esme leaves the room
Esme – opens her wardrobe
(Picking clothes has never been much of a difficult task for me, but today I want to look good for some reason.)
Esme picked a white gown
(This was given to me by Mila when she forced me to go on my first date. He was a sweet guy, just the fact that he was not familiar with the concept of body type. He looked at me and said, “You look good, but don’t you think you’ll look better if you had a bit smaller waist.” Yeah, another reason I don’t try finding love.)
Esme – I wore a white gown, wore light pink lipstick, applied a little blush.
(Should I wear heels? Nope, that’ll be too much effort for a pizza.)
I wore my white sneakers. (All done! All ready to get judged again!)
Esme entered the hall.
(Mila is standing near the doorway, fixing her dress, then her hair, then her dress.)
Esme – (I’m pretty sure she really wants to date someone.)
Mila – Mam, sorry, who are you? Dude, you look so good. So, I see someone wants to get lucky tonight!
Esme – Thanks, but I’d rather get lucky with my book getting published tomorrow and not this.
Mila – Classic Esme.
She sighs. Now enough of you. Let’s get going!
Chapter 2
The house was so bright; the front yard was decorated with fairy lights on all the trees. The sweet smell of Orchids flowed in the breeze. The entrance was adorned with funny little posters and quotes, and even the rug was spotless.
Mila – Who in the world has a rug this clean? We need to move in here, Esme.
Esme – I know, right! I’m scared of stepping on this rug. I mean, look at it, so clean!
Alex opens the door
(Alex is Mila’s co-worker or should I say THE ONE. Although Mila is still on the quest to find her forever, Alex has already found it in Mila.)
Alex – shaky voice Hey, Mila. Thanks for coming. You look beautiful today. Smiles
Mila – You’re drunk, aren’t you?
Alex – Two bottles down. Otherwise, how can I admire your beauty?
Mila -Sighs Don’t mind him, Esme. He acts like a human when he’s sober.
We went to the living room
(This is the cleanest house I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Also, not to forget the most well-organized house with A WHOLE WALL FILLED WITH BOOKS!)
Esme – I quickly rushed to the bookshelf and finally found my comfort book, Madeline Miller’s “Circe”. Coffee! I spoke to myself. I need coffee, and this would be the perfect Christmas ever!
Perfect days, according to me, were the days I’d get time with me and my books with coffee. Little did I know, God had other plans for my perfect day. I went to the kitchen until, at the corner, I found a coffee machine.
I took a mug from the cabinet and moved to the coffee machine. My steps didn’t work; my body didn’t work. My whole self stopped working when I saw HIM.
Chapter 3
He was standing near the coffee machine. His eyes were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life—those beautiful brown eyes. His face was so charismatic; I’d never stop looking at it. His arms were so distracting; all I wanted was for him to hold me in his arms. All I wanted was to look at those eyes for the rest of my life. All I wanted was to wake up next to him and see his face. If beauty had a face, it would be this man.
I was admiring everything about him until my intrusive thoughts yelled at me, telling me that I don’t deserve love. Love is not for me. I should not love. I SHOULD NOT LOVE!
Esme – I should not love. Calm yourself. I spoke softly.
Jase – Sorry?
Esme – *(HIS VOICE! As soon as his voice reached my ears, all I saw in front of my eyes was light. My strength to not fall for this man broke and shattered into pieces. All I could think of in that very moment was to hear this voice every day for the rest of my life. I want to hear him say my name. I want to hear him talk. I want to hear him shout—everything that needs to be said with that voice, I want it to be said to me.)
Esme – I am really sorry. I was just talking to myself.
Jase – Oh, it’s fine. Jase smiled.
Esme – (He Smiled! HE SMILED. All my intrusive thoughts that were telling me that I should not love left, and all I should hear after seeing that smile was, “WHY SHOULD I NOT LOVE?” I should love because this man is worth every ounce of love that there is in this world. He is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen—his eyes, his face, HIS VOICE, and THAT DAMN SMILE.
